How to Build a Facebook Army

set up a facebook account
befriend everyone or thing you’ve ever known
including kids you used to hate at high school
work colleagues you don’t even like
d-grade celebrities
third cousins you’ve never met
people with the same name as you
the dingy local pub
& your mum

befriend complete strangers
but only if they are famous
have famous friends
or have way more friends than you do
be evasive
& talk about six degrees of separation
if said strangers message
querying if they really know you

when famous
or highly friended people
become your friend
make sure it appears in your timeline
& covertly brag about it on both their wall
and yours:
thanking X for their friendship – cheers!

when facebook shows you
people you may know
befriend every one of them
then get to know them
by liking everything they do:
like it when they take their terrier to the park
& forget the poop scoop
like the photo
of their so-called gifted child
finally winning a merit award at school
like them so much
they actually start to think they know you

when they start to think they know you
befriend all their friends
by messaging them with:
hi, I’m a friend of X
X said we have heaps in common
so let’s be friends, cool?
when they accept your friendship
start incessantly liking
everything they do

tag yourself
in crowd shots of wild parties
profound cultural events
& hip gigs
leave comments underneath the event photos
like damn, this party rocked!
so people will believe
you were actually part of it

randomly
but not too often
unfriend somebody
who has heaps of friends in common with you
& is likely to notice
& whinge about it:
people will start liking your life
cause it will get around
that your friendship is very selective

create an events page
for even insignificant moments in your life
make your monthly haircut
your resignation
or your dentist appointment an event
if friends actually show up
tell them there’s not even standing room left
& it is their fault
for not immediately showing themselves
publicly attending

create your own page
on which to list these events

be opinionated enough
on other peoples walls
that other facebookers
will click to find out who you are
but not opinionated enough
to lose any friends
or be barred


when someone discovers you are a facefake
& calls you on it
quickly unfriend them
& report them to administration
for offensive behaviour