Depressing Recent Conversations About Australian Literature

1. Comment from a Children’s Bookshop Owner
You know, the thing is, people like to have modern houses these days. Everything is plastic or metal and shiny, and they tell me they don’t want books in view. They make the house look messy and their kids take them out all the time. Have you noticed that furniture places have started making bookshelves with doors? Cupboards, really. A lot of adults don’t even want to see books, let alone read them.

2. Email From Fellow Poet
Did you know Australian Poetry Limited has appointed a Board Member as their new CEO?
Is that even legal?

3. Conversation With Son
Boy: They had everything in their house...a WII, a DS, an IPODand IPAD. They were all in the kids playroom too.
Me: That’s nice
Boy: (half heartedly) Can we get those things?
Me: (casually) No
Boy: Can we get a playroom?
Me: You have a very big playroom. It just has a different name. It’s called The World.
Boy: (puzzled) In their playroom mum, I only saw about ten kids books.
Me: Oh.
Boy: And I even checked the bedrooms and the lounge
Me: Did you?
Boy: Yeah. And that’s pretty strange, isn’t it?
Me: I think it is, yes.

Letter to a Publisher

Dear Publisher,


Fuck you very much for your reply expressing interest in publishing the manuscript I submitted to you over two years ago. Unfortunately for you, that particular manuscript was published by another publisher eighteen months ago.

I realise there has been some delay in my response to your offer of publication as it arrived three months ago, but you unfortunately did not include a stamped, self-addressed envelope with your offer. Should you wish me to consider you as a potential publisher in the future, please carefully read the Offer of Publication Guidelines on my author website.

I’d like to extend none of my apologies for any disappointment caused by the lack of availability of my manuscript and wish you all the best in your newfound interest in publishing decent literature.

Better luck next time.

Kindest Regards,

Maxine Beneba Clarke

How to Build a Facebook Army

set up a facebook account
befriend everyone or thing you’ve ever known
including kids you used to hate at high school
work colleagues you don’t even like
d-grade celebrities
third cousins you’ve never met
people with the same name as you
the dingy local pub
& your mum

befriend complete strangers
but only if they are famous
have famous friends
or have way more friends than you do
be evasive
& talk about six degrees of separation
if said strangers message
querying if they really know you

when famous
or highly friended people
become your friend
make sure it appears in your timeline
& covertly brag about it on both their wall
and yours:
thanking X for their friendship – cheers!

when facebook shows you
people you may know
befriend every one of them
then get to know them
by liking everything they do:
like it when they take their terrier to the park
& forget the poop scoop
like the photo
of their so-called gifted child
finally winning a merit award at school
like them so much
they actually start to think they know you

when they start to think they know you
befriend all their friends
by messaging them with:
hi, I’m a friend of X
X said we have heaps in common
so let’s be friends, cool?
when they accept your friendship
start incessantly liking
everything they do

tag yourself
in crowd shots of wild parties
profound cultural events
& hip gigs
leave comments underneath the event photos
like damn, this party rocked!
so people will believe
you were actually part of it

randomly
but not too often
unfriend somebody
who has heaps of friends in common with you
& is likely to notice
& whinge about it:
people will start liking your life
cause it will get around
that your friendship is very selective

create an events page
for even insignificant moments in your life
make your monthly haircut
your resignation
or your dentist appointment an event
if friends actually show up
tell them there’s not even standing room left
& it is their fault
for not immediately showing themselves
publicly attending

create your own page
on which to list these events

be opinionated enough
on other peoples walls
that other facebookers
will click to find out who you are
but not opinionated enough
to lose any friends
or be barred


when someone discovers you are a facefake
& calls you on it
quickly unfriend them
& report them to administration
for offensive behaviour

Maxine Beneba Clarke & the Jam Slam Teaser - Tonight!

Tomorrow evening (Thursday, June 21st) I'll be the feature poet at the regular slam event at Bella Union, in Trades Hall, Carlton. I'm really looking forward to the evening - performing myself, but  more keenly, watching the poetry slam unfold. I reckon it's been a good two and a half years since I've entered a poetry slam, and the same length of time since I've attended one. Oh, anyone who's visited this blog, even irregularly, will probably know that I've had a love-whinge affair with poetry slams, but it's interesting to note that, even without realising it, I seem to have retired from the poetry slam circuit (if there is even a circuit in Australia?). You know you're not going to draw blood on the slamming floor when you don't care that you lost, or you win and still don't really care. But in any case, watching slams? Hell YEAH! I'm really looking forward to that. If you're up for a slam, or just one who likes to watch, the details of the gig are here...be back soon with a run-down of the night.

Yesterday's News ( a found poem)

june fourteenth
twenty twelve
the grandfather of jazz in australia is dead
sex and religion have swapped places in public perception
(and) families (are) preparing for dark days ahead
three asylum boats (were) intercepted
(but) banks (will) take ten days to pass on (the) rate cuts

in NEW YORK:
a bacon sunday (has been) unleashed:
a vanilla soft serve
with fudge, caramel, bacon crumbles
and a piece of bacon

odd tales and bizarre images collide

democracy is running low on ink

TODAY'S BIRTHDAYS:
che guevara

Helpful Tips for Slam Poets

1.

make the audience your world
& one day
the world will be
your audience

2.
slam poetry
will not make you money
but money is a thing
good poetry should slam

3.
judge your work
not by the ranking of the judge
but by the taste of the judge
who does the ranking

4.
the difference between you
and a ‘page poet’
is that the poetry gods
thought your words so good
they also gave you the skills
to stand and say them

5.
never slam words
you won’t be able to stand by
or soon you will find
nobody stands by
to hear you slam them